There’s a million things I haven’t done
Even after college I remained celibate. Even though my
sexual ethic was already shifting during that period, I was still largely
invested in trying to make a more traditional Christian sexual ethic work. That
meant that even if I had been widely dating, I was actively avoiding sex. I was
lying in wait, knowing eventually I would be in the room where it happens.
The Ho Phase
My ho phase came after opening our marriage. After
years of being responsible for my own orgasms, I was not going to throw
away my shot. I was going to end my dry spell by having sex with a lot of
people – preferably people I would never have to see again.
I went into this ho phase with a false assumption, though. I
am a larger lady, and I carry my mother’s voice in my head to this day
repeating her, “no one will love you if you can’t lose weight.” Even after
years of working on my self-image, part of me still believed that most people
would find me sexually repulsive. I falsely assumed that I was a beggar and,
therefore, couldn’t be a chooser.
Thinking I would need to settle for anyone who deigned to
show interest in me added together with an intense desire to feel wanted meant
that I was not very picky about who I engaged with. In the span of just a few
months, I went from a body count of exactly 2 to around 15. I didn’t care about
overall compatibility, just sexual interest. I gave my real phone number to
people the day we matched. I went to strangers’ houses to have sex with them. I
fast-tracked hookups, trading safety for orgasms (sometimes).
It was exhilarating! It was empowering!
And it was utterly stupid.
Hookup Safety
Thinking of all the safety precautions I ignored or let
slide during those days, I am honestly surprised that one many trying to force
me to blow him and succeeding in forcing me to jerk him is the worst thing that
happened to me.
Before my first hookup, I searched online for safety advice
and I tried (somewhat) to follow it. A lot of the advice I found, however, was
aimed at people looking for dating relationships and not casual hookups. I wanted
to fuck these guys, not marry them, so I thought I could abbreviate the safety
rules and still be safe.
The reality is that there is no such thing as a safe hookup
with a stranger. They’re a stranger; safety comes from the trust
that people will behave as advertised, but a stranger hasn’t had a chance to
earn that trust, yet. Hooking up with a stranger is inherently dangerous.
Here’s what I would tell anyone looking for hookups:
- Meet in public before you hook up
- If you don’t meet in public for whatever reason, have them come to your residence so you can verify they are who you think they are before letting them in
- If you don’t meet in public for whatever reason, do NOT go to their residence. You simply cannot know who is going to answer the door, whether there are going to be more people there, or how safe you will be there. Just don’t do it.
- I feel like this shouldn’t have to be said in this day and age, but use condoms. Do not believe a stranger when they say they’re clean or have had a vasectomy, just like they should be wary of you. They haven’t earned anywhere near enough trust for things like that, so use the condoms.
- If their face is covered in the dating app and they list a fake name, they’re cheating. Being a ho doesn’t mean we condone cheating, nor does being poly.
- Listen to your gut instinct. Even if you can’t explain why you feel uncomfortable, leave.
- Safety calls don’t keep you safe; do them anyway. If your hookup is dismissive or ridicules you wanting to make a safety call, or in any way tries to prevent it, leave immediately.
Some of those rules I followed litigiously. Some of them I
started off doing every time, but got lax in as I gained confidence and a
(false) sense of security. Others I completely disregarded when I got horny and
started thinking with my pink bits.
I’m begging you: Don’t disregard your safety for 30
minutes of fun.
Confidence Boom
Despite my poor safety decisions, I survived. In fact, I quickly
realized that I was fucking my way into confidence. The men I hooked up with
found me sexy. Not only that, but they also thought I was good. Most
hookups that were supposed to be one-night only ended up being repeat hookups
because they enjoyed having sex with me. Wanderer (my first hookup after
opening my marriage) had never been with a large lady before, and even he made
me feel incredibly sexy.
At the same time, Sunrise was one of those first couple of
weeks hookups that has turned into an ongoing casual partner. Sunrise was
supposed to be a one-night stand, but here we are almost 6 months later and
we’re still hooking up. This man opened my eyes sexually. He was the first
partner who truly found my anatomy appealing and wanted to
spend significant time going down; correspondingly, he’s the first person to
ever make me orgasm from oral sex. He arranged a threesome with another woman,
which was both my first threesome and my first encounter with a woman. Sunrise
also really, really likes the way I worship his cock. There is
nothing quite like an experienced man craving you to boost your confidence and
make you truly believe that you are sexy, desirable, and
enjoyable in the bedroom.
These and other encounters within the first couple of weeks started
reshaping my self-perception. The confidence I gained carried me forward to
other partners and opportunities for growth. Seeing myself blooming from such
small nurturing made me realize I wasn’t broken, just malnourished. Casual sex
wasn’t just fulfilling a carnal desire: It was helping me build the agency in
all areas of my life that I had doubted for years.
Lessons in Exploration
That was just the initial burst of growth. I was non-stop,
and I approached my sexual revolution a la Hamilton: “My name is Moon
Shadow, and there’s a million things I haven’t done. Just you wait!”
My first girlfriend was Sage. I’ll talk more about her in
posts focused more on BDSM, but Sage was important to my journey. Beyond being
my first girlfriend, she also helped me remember that if I’m kinky and into
BDSM, I should get involved with the local kink community and utilize online
resources designed specifically for kinky people. She took me to munches and
helped me get vetted for the largest dungeon in my city. Most importantly,
though, she taught me the importance of making sure both partners’ expectations
are aligned. Ultimately, I wanted a girlfriend to be super romantic and grossly
cute with and she wanted a lifelong partner. Sage holds a soft spot in my heart
even though it didn’t work out.
Trickster, as the name suggests, was tricksy. We initially
hooked up with the understanding that he would top me, which he did. This man
knew how to worship my body, that’s for sure. However, as he learned that I was
kinky, the nature of our dynamic started shifting. He didn’t actually want to
top; he wanted me top him and be a fetish dispenser. The problem is that I
don’t actually like topping that much. I will for a partner I care about, and
some types of topping aren’t as onerous to me as others. But Trickster wanted
like full S&M play with strong tones of domination. What he really needed
was a pro-Domme, not a kinky person picked up off of Tinder. While he helped me
discover and enforce my boundaries, I’m glad we’re done.
My acquaintance with Muse was doomed to failure from the
start. Despite us both agreeing we didn’t want a Relationship relationship,
I started catching feelings for him before we ever met. We actually followed
good safety practices and got to know each other fairly well before we met in a
public place, but that getting to know him was fatal for me. I took two
positive things from my time with Muse: I started taking better care of myself
with him and I explored a kink I never thought I would. Muse had a foot fetish,
and through being with him I took far better care of my feet than I ever have,
and that foot care translated into taking care of the rest of me, too. I also
learned that I do not have a foot fetish, but it’s not particularly a turn-off,
either. Telling Muse we wouldn’t be seeing each other hurt more than I
anticipated it would (ironically, it hurt more than breaking up with Sage).
The first relationship that allowed me to begin exploring my
submission (instead of bottoming) was with Siren. This relationship was
entirely online and was quite fun. I will go into more details about Siren when
I talk about BDSM more, but Siren helped me explore quite a lot and is to thank
for a good bit of my initial growth as a submissive. Siren and I were involved
for a couple of months until Helios and I became official. Some people are okay
with having more than one Dominant, but (at this moment) I am not. Siren was
good to me, and there are aspects of our dynamic I miss; however, choosing
Helios was a million times the right decision.
Shifting Desires
All except one of these and my other relationships at the time have one thing in common: They were casual. Sage was less casual (hence the term “girlfriend”), but with everyone else there was an understanding that it wasn’t serious and could end at any time. We weren’t friends, and we certainly weren’t going on dates.
Eventually, this started catching up with me. The casual sex
got old and I started becoming more aware of how risky my behavior had been
around the same time.
I recognized that I was craving relationship, not just sex.
The me who timidly signed up for dating apps thinking beggars
cannot be choosers was nowhere to be found; I knew I could now confidently pursue
what I actually wanted. And what did I want? An in-person D/s relationship.
I did not know Helios yet, but I was now ready to
meet him.
My Shot
My ho phase naturally ended itself shortly after I came into
Helios’ and Astra’s orbit. I am glad to see the phase over, but I don’t regret
it. Yes, it was messy, and I made more than a few dubious decisions. But they were
my mistakes to make, and I have grown from them.
There are still a million other things I haven’t done, but I will aim my shot a little more carefully now.
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