From Pews to Paddle Benches

My name is Moon Shadow* and I am a non-binary, pansexual person diving head-first into the worlds of polyamory and BDSM. Anyone who knew me more than a few years ago would be absolutely shocked to read that sentence. 

Why?

My father was a conservative Evangelical pastor, and me? I was the model of a modern major Pharisee, dedicated to living the holiest life I could. I even went to Bible college with plans to be a missionary. 

In case you've had the extraordinary luck to never meet a conservative Evangelical Christian before, gender and sexual exploration are extremely frowned upon in those circles. The general consensus there is that only two genders exist, sexualities other than heterosexuality are a sin and anathema, marriage is between one man and one woman, and sexual acts should be only between a husband and a wife (and certainly do not involve whips and chains). 

My queer, kinky ass was never going to fit in that mold, though I contorted myself into it for far longer than was healthy. My spiritual deconstruction laid the groundwork for the events of the last year, and I'll talk much more about my deconstruction later. 

So what happened this year? 

My life fell apart. 

And then I realized that not all shatterings are created equal. Sometimes a life shatters and you are left destitute with no allies or options. Other times a life shatters the way an egg cracks open to allow the life concealed within to burst forth into a glorious new reality. 

For the first time in my life, I am moving past my fear and creating the life I truly want as my authentic self. And my authentic self? Loves people regardless of their gender; has more love to give than can be given to just one person; is a woman the way a tomato is a vegetable (it isn't, but it's okay to think of it that way), and is sexually adventurous. As of the date of writing this, I have a husband, a boyfriend (who is also my Dom), a joyfriend, and several casual play partners. 

Although I only started exploring the lifestyle about five months ago, I began learning about kink over a decade ago. I've known I was kinky since I was in high school (Badge 502 would be disappointed in high-school me for what all I put up my butt...), and once I moved away from home for college I began to educate myself. Sadly, I never felt safe in my local community to explore in person, and I stood to lose quite a lot from being found out online. 

Is knowledge gathered from reading blogs and forums the same as or equal to actual experience? No. I've learned a lot during the last few months, and I know I will learn even more in the future. At the same time, I value the education I gained before I began playing. 

Given my own kink educational journey, I readily agreed when my Dom (Helios) suggested I create this blog. I don't think there is such a thing as a "usual" route into the kink world, but mine could help others navigate similar hurdles. My hope is that as I process my experiences (both the awful and awesome), others can learn from my successes and failures. At a minimum, others can realize they are not alone in their experiences. 

I plan to post two main kinds of posts: Backstory and current events. Backstory will talk about things like spirituality, deconstruction, philosophy, or other things that go into answering the question, "How did I get here?" Current events will focus on what's going on now-ish: Sometimes this will be processing of events, sometimes I'll share what I'm learning, sometimes it will be something completely different.

*Of course my name isn't Moon Shadow. All names have been changed to respect everyone's privacy. If you think you recognize someone, no you don't; please don't out people here.